LGBTQIA: Be An Ally, Not A Bully

We all need allies in life. And now LGBTQIA people and other minorities need them more than ever. Show your support. Learn how to be a good trans ally.

Life as a transgender person is often like a walk while balancing on a ledge, with Death holding on to one hand and Life holding on to the other, while great parts of society sit on the sidelines, hoping and praying that you lose your grip on the hand of Life and fall off the ledge, into the arms of Death. As an outsider, you can’t understand, but you can support. You can be a trans ally.

The reality of the lives of trans people

In other words, being transgender is no sunshine and roses. There is a very high death rate, by suicide and by assault, and living the life of a transgender person is risky, to say the least. Every time you present yourself as who you are, and you have to show an ID that tells another story and by doing so, calls you a liar, you have to come out to whoever is in front of you.

Every time you come out to someone, there is a 50/50 chance that the person you come out to will have a bigoted reaction, especially if it is within healthcare, school or work. While transgender people are somewhat protected from bigots, legally, in some places of the world, there is no real protection out there. Living openly as transgender can feel like walking into a war without a bulletproof vest on.

If you are transgender, you understand all of this and you know better than to be the cause of someone else’s gender dysphoria. You won’t be disrespectful, skip the right pronouns, ask inappropriate questions and whatnot. However, if you are a cis person and want to be an ally, which all cis people should aspire to be, there are things you can and should do.

What can I do to be a trans ally?

You don’t know, so don’t assume

Realise that it is impossible to know if someone is trans. You can not see if someone identifies in a certain way or fancies a certain gender, so stop trying. You also cannot know what a person’s gender is or what pronouns they prefer simply by looking at them. Start out by introducing yourself and let them know the pronouns you use, and then ask for theirs. After all, it is customary to introduce yourself before asking another person to do so.

There are no rules or requirements

There are no rules stating how a trans person should be or should look like. Or how any person should be or act. A trans person does not need to alter their appearance, go through surgeries or hormone therapy, or change themselves at all physically, to become a “real” trans person. Or to truly become the gender they are.

There is no How-To-guide available when it comes to being a man, a woman, transgender, non-binary, gender fluid, and so forth. All people are different and we are who we say we are. A person’s identity is stated by that person and no one else. Who they say they are is not up for debate and their identity does not become more valid or less when people feel that that person “passes”.

Don’t ask invasive questions

Don’t ask about who they fancy, how they have sex, what their genitals look like, if they’ve had surgery yet, or any other inappropriate questions. Many cis people believe that if you are trans, you should be a walking talking Google who will gladly inform you about anything related to being transgender. As well as the most personal details of their life and their body. That notion is of course total bullshit.

No one would walk up to a stranger and ask “Hey, what does your genitals look like?” or “How do you have sex?”, nor would you ask a friend or family member that. It just isn’t appropriate and assuming that trans people think it is okay, is just playing a fool.

Don’t project toxic gender stereotypes

Do not attempt to show or tell them how to be “be a real man” or how to “be a real woman”. If they identify as male, they are male and if they identify as female, they are female. And if they identify as both, or neither or as fluid, respect that. We are who we say we are, regardless of assumptions made at birth, physical body, interests or what strangers think is suitable.

Don’t force your gender stereotypes or gender roles onto them. If they want to wear something, do something, say something, or enjoy something, that you feel isn’t appropriate according to what you deem to be appropriate for their gender, who cares? It is their life and regardless of what you may think, there is nothing they could ever say or do that would make them lose their identity. Or make it less valid.

Each trans person is different

Never assume that a trans person wants to transition, that they want to give up children and a family. Or that what they care about most of all is to be EXACTLY like everyone else. That they want to be and look cis. Or that they will automatically change who they are as a person so that they can fit into the norm of the gender they identify as. In fact, as a general rule in life, never assume. Period.

Don’t play the victim

Don’t ask a transperson to be understanding of your inability to be understanding of them. Of respecting them and treating them as any other human being. There is no excuse for being a bigot or being ignorant. If you say the wrong pronoun by mistake, apologise. Don’t say the wrong pronoun, call them by their birth name or mention their assigned gender out of spite. Do not think that you are better because you are cis-gender. Don’t assume that they crave your approval.

Conclusion:

These are just a fraction of the many things you can do to be a trans-ally. However, I do feel that they are important. They will make a world of difference to the trans community and to all the transgender people you meet. It may take a wee bit of effort for you to learn about what it means to be transgender. But you shouldn’t have to learn to be respectful towards other human beings, whether they are transgender or not.

It is not difficult to use the right pronoun and name. And if you feel you cannot be bothered, that it is too troublesome, know this. Your actions toward that person may very well be what puts the final nails into their coffin.

If you want to learn more, which I hope you do, I suggest you go to this amazing person’s site and check out their work and activism.

Be respectful and be an ally!